He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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