Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
