My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
