she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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