1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You ruined the universe
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
