he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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