Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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