I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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