Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
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Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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