I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
