$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
