She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
