Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
