i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Your penis caused this!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
