i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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