wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
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