mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
