note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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