Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
