I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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