after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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