Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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