you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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