Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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