Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
