omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
