I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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