I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
