nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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