Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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