so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
