I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
