Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
