Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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