I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I have tasted many bathrooms
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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