So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
