for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
