I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
