this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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