where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
