im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
