Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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