i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
