Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
