I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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