We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
