Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
