we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
