You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
