I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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