my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
