How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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