Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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