well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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