just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
