im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
